I am Sponge.
I am Jack Sponge. That is to say that I am a person called Jack Sponge. A man.
I am a man called Jack Sponge.
In actual fact many people do not realize that I am Jack Sponge. They do not know my first name. In large I called simply Sponge.
I am sponge. I am a man called Jack Sponge.
If truth be told, Sponge is not my real name. It is Phillips. I am Jack Phillips. I am a man called Jack Phillips, who is largely referred to as Sponge.
Sometimes, to friends, I am Spongey.
As with everything, there is a story, or a reason behind my name. Or the name which is not really my name – Sponge.
You may think that it might be something to do with money. That I am referred to as sponge, because I have an undesirable tendency to take other people’s generosity for granted. In effect sponging from them. That I am a sponger.
Let me tell you, I do not sponge. I am Sponge.
You may also imagine that I have developed my pseudonym through some party piece I can perform with the aid of a bath sponge. I possess no such ability.
No. When I say I am Sponge, I do not simply mean that I am called sponge. I am Sponge. That is to say, I am made of sponge.
My body, although looking much like yours, is made entirely of sponge. Or at least some kind of sponge-like substance.
When I say I am Sponge, I mean I am sponge. I do not mean I am a sponge. I am not a Sponge. I am sponge.
I am not, nor ever have been a Sponge. When I say a sponge, I mean of course the type of Sponge which lives in the sea. The ones which are killed, and dried out, and used by people in baths. I am not one of those.
I have, and never have had, any relation to one of those.
When I say a sponge, I also do not mean the type of cake which is called sponge. Although, I am not one those either.
I am Sponge. Not a sponge, but sponge. My body is made entirely out of sponge, or at least a sponge-like substance.
Neither my Father or Mother are made of sponge. They are not sponge.
When I was born, the Doctor told my Mother, “Ah, Mrs. Phillips. I have taken a close look at your son, and although I am not an expert in this field, I would say that he would appear to be made entirely out of sponge. I am not saying that he is a sponge. Do not be worried about that. He is not a sponge. No, I would say that he is made out of some kind of sponge-like material. Not a sponge, but sponge.”
“This is most irregular,” he continued, “to have a child made entirely out of sponge. Have you been eating anything strange recently? No? Well, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I am sure it is just one of those things.”
And so I am sponge. Just one of those things. A man called Jack Phillips, who is commonly referred to as Sponge, on account of the fact that I am made entirely out of sponge, or at least some sort of sponge-like substance.
I do not mind being sponge. I t has its obvious benefits. It also has its drawbacks.
I never need to watch my weight, as I cannot put on weight. I have no skin, as a person who is not sponge has. As an adolescent I never had a single spot, and as I age I will never develop wrinkles.
I shower when I need to wash. I soak up some of the water, but most of it bounces off. I do not take baths.
I once fell asleep in a bath when I was younger. I awoke to find that I had soaked up all of the water, which had become cold and heavy. I had to be lifted out by seven firemen, and spent two whole days sat next to a radiator, drying out. I then spent a further three days in bed with a cold.
You might have though that, being sponge, I could simply wring myself out, as a sponge can be wrung out. I cannot. I have attempted the procedure, and can assure you that it is very painful indeed.
I am sponge, not a sponge.
As I am sure you can imagine, I try and avoid going out in the rain.
On the bonus side I am, as far as I know, the only person alive who is sponge. This has enabled me to truly know myself, and recognize my place in the world. I awaken every day, and my sponge lips form a large smile. I am truly content.
I am a man called Jack Phillips who is commonly referred to as Sponge, on account of the fact that I am made entirely out of sponge, or at least some sort of sponge-like substance, and I could not be any happier.
I am sponge.